I have been sitting today totally under the weather with huge hay fever. I haven’t stopped sneezing, have a blocked nose and generally feel very much under the weather.
I realised that the last time I can remember having such a lousy time with hay fever was when I was waiting for my parents to arrive on holiday in Perth, Australia, where I was then living. When the letter arrived saying they were coming for a holiday in 1975, my first response was: “My god, I can’t get away from them!”
I had no idea then why I made such a comment, although I do now, but as we were sitting at Perth airport waiting for them to arrive, I remember a young boy looking in absolute fascination at me, sitting with streaming eyes, runny nose, blowing my nose almost continually, much like I have been today.
And I realised that this hay fever is related to the decision I’ve taken to dig into my relationship with my father, in the hope of clearing out residual bitterness, hatred and shame that haunts me still. I’ve been putting it off but this hay fever is like a prompt to get myself into gear and start writing.
In truth, it’s the recent diagnosis of cancer which has prompted me to start digging, and mainly because I’ve had sciatica on and off for years and it’s got a lot worse since the diagnosis. It’s as if something’s nagging me to dig into it and sort out why it’s hanging around in order to effect healing at a very deep level for my body.
Looking back, I realised that I first got sciatica in 2007 when I was dealing with my father in his nursing home, until he finally died in October 2007. The bells started ringing and this was further driven home when I got an astrological reading from the astrologer, Mystic Medusa/. She casually mentioned that I’d likely been squashed or flattened in my childhood and suddenly the flood gates were opened.
Added to this is that I’ve become aware of certain situations where I freeze/feel threatened/stutter and I know this relates to events from the past which I need to sort out and release from my emotional body. I happen, you see, to believe that all too often emotional responses bury themselves in our cells, very deeply, so all the talk of “letting go”, “just deal with it” or “forgive” or “time to move on” is not such an easy task when past traumas have wormed their way deep into our emotional/spiritual personae and cling like limpets until we wrench them free and hurl them into infinity.
I also dithered because I worried about boring people stiff with my inner explorations but then decided, well, it’s my blog, I can write whatever I want and, if you don’t like it or find it boring or not relevant, well, you can always stop reading!
So this post is my first step on a journey of exploration of my dysfunctional relationship with my father in order to clear out the negative shit still hanging around and free myself from past traumas. I’ve been putting it off because I’m pretty sure some difficult stuff will surface, but today’s hay fever has convinced me it’s time to jump in the deep end and start digging.
And you never know, my hay fever might disappear into the wide, blue yonder!