Inner Journeys!

I have been sitting today totally under the weather with huge hay fever. I haven’t stopped sneezing, have a blocked nose and generally feel very much under the weather.

I realised that the last time I can remember having such a lousy time with hay fever was when I was waiting for my parents to arrive on holiday in Perth, Australia, where I was then living. When the letter arrived saying they were coming for a holiday in 1975, my first response was: “My god, I can’t get away from them!”

I had no idea then why I made such a comment, although I do now, but as we were sitting at Perth airport waiting for them to arrive, I remember a young boy looking in absolute fascination at me, sitting with streaming eyes, runny nose, blowing my nose almost continually, much like I have been today.

And I realised that this hay fever is related to the decision I’ve taken to dig into my relationship with my father, in the hope of clearing out residual bitterness, hatred and shame that haunts me still.  I’ve been putting it off but this hay fever is like a prompt to get myself into gear and start writing.

In truth, it’s the recent diagnosis of cancer which has prompted me to start digging, and mainly because I’ve had sciatica on and off for years and it’s got a lot worse since the diagnosis. It’s as if something’s nagging me to dig into it and sort out why it’s hanging around in order to effect healing at a very deep level for my body.

Looking back, I realised that I first got sciatica in 2007 when I was dealing with my father in his nursing home, until he finally died in October 2007. The bells started ringing and this was further driven home when I got an astrological reading from the astrologer,  Mystic Medusa/. She casually mentioned that I’d likely been squashed or flattened in my childhood and suddenly the flood gates were opened.

Added to this is that I’ve become aware of certain situations where I freeze/feel threatened/stutter and I know this relates to events from the past which I need to sort out and release from my emotional body. I happen, you see, to believe that all too often emotional responses bury themselves in our cells, very deeply, so all the talk of “letting go”, “just deal with it” or “forgive” or “time to move on” is not such an easy task when past traumas have wormed their way deep into our emotional/spiritual personae and cling like limpets until we wrench them free and hurl them into infinity.

I also dithered because I worried about boring people stiff with my inner explorations but then decided, well, it’s my blog, I can write whatever I want and, if you don’t like it or find it boring or not relevant, well, you can always stop reading!

So this post is my first step on a journey of exploration of my dysfunctional relationship with my father in order to clear out the negative shit still hanging around and free myself from past traumas. I’ve been putting it off because I’m pretty sure some difficult stuff will surface, but today’s hay fever has convinced me it’s time to jump in the deep end and start digging.

And you never know, my hay fever might disappear into the wide, blue yonder!

 


6 thoughts on “Inner Journeys!

  1. Oh Mo, I have also been battling with hay fever for months….I’ve been blaming my total discomfort and often bad temper on the weather, my aging body, etc. etc. And then I suddenly realized just a couple of days ago that yes, the weather, which has been totally bizarre for even my part of the world, has indeed contributed to what usually is spring and fall runny noses, eyes and general sensitivities . There is also , for me in the fall , some years, the memories of lost family members, friends and life issues in general all seemed to turn into a huge pile of tears, regrets, etc particularly strongly these past few months.

    Your optimistic and beautiful sharing, the sites you share with us all on FB that have so much beauty every day have been my one of my lifelines. As always your generosity in sharing your life inspires me to just keep on going.
    On the 15th of this month I celebrated my 80th birthday and that was a bit of a shock….not a bad shock really but a omg how did I get here in one piece kind of shock. Friends gathered together to celebrate that day with me and the stories and joy they brought allowed me to look a bit differently into what I need to really heal. So, it turns out that the death of my ex-husband last January just dumped me right back into the need to once again, in a way similar to your issues with your Dad, retrace some of the abuse and hurt I suffered at his hands. Of course, I figured I had all that sorted out but…….

    So, I think working on the ‘real’ stuff deeper down will allow me to dance along into this next phase of my existence on this planet however that will play out. Once again, my dear lovely friend you inspired me to have the courage to
    jump into the dance….feels better already…..my nose is only running a little bit today!!!
    love you dear one
    you’re in my heart each and every day
    Harolyn

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    1. How lovely to hear from you in such detail, Harolyn. I hope you’ve picked up now hay fever wise but also with the issues raised by your ex-husband’s death. It’s amazing, isn’t it, we feel we’ve dealt with issues and then something arises which brings new facets of our experience into the light, to be polished and cleansed as, when and how needed. Much love to you, my dear friend. xxx

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  2. Good for you! It IS your blog and you can well put here whatever you please. I think it is awesome to dig out in the open like this. You never know when someone may need to read exactly what you’ve written. Hope the hayfever takes a hike soon and you’re feeling better. Kudos for doing the hard work.

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